Personal Revolution

Photography by Brandon Joseph

“I need I need a revolution

My own revolution

My very own revolution

I need, I need a revolution

My own revolution

My personal revolution

Heartbreak is so hard to take

And I lay down in the bed that I make

Crying, crying, tears of change

Fighting, fighting, everyday

There must be a better way”

 - Ziggy Marley, Personal Revolution

There are sides of myself that I still don’t know.

There are sides of myself that still need to grow. 

The only constant is the inconsistency of my evolution. 

I’m learning the discomfort I have, plays a role in the story of my personal revolution

Isolation has been my comfort zone.

Alone is where I feel at home

This means getting through the pain that I carry.

Also means having to face some fears that I have buried. 

Alone I am my own lover, friend, and worst enemy.

My mind often juggles between the three. 

I can only trust, feel, or heal what’s inside of myself.

This is as much as I can balance, for the sake my health. 

My heart has fought through many wars

And repaired itself from many sores.

My soul was born before my first breath

I hope it will continue to live beyond my timely death.

My eyes have seen the pain and the glory

My words will be left to tell my story.

Transcribing these words from the depths of my feelings

Has been my saving grace throughout the process of my healing.

Addressing the issue, leads me closer towards the solution.

Self-restoration is leading me closer towards my personal revolution. 

-C. M. Hamilton

2017: The Year Of...

Wardrobe: Thrifted, Photography by Clint Blane

2017: The Year Of No Fear
2017: The Year Of Letting Go
2017: The Year Of Self-Acceptance
2017: The Year Of Accountability
2017: The Year Of Reclaiming My Voice
2017: The Year Of Magic

No Fear

I brought 2017 in with a lot of discomfort, anxiety, and uncertainty. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and in turn, had  subconsciously found myself wrapped in a cyclical whirl of self-destruction. I was juggling a few unbalanced relationships, searching for love and affection in believable illusions that I was convinced were my reality. My work life was convincingly thriving, in yet completely unfulfilling. Money was flowing, but it wasn't honest. My heart wasn't involved in the work I was doing and it started to project. Making money was my main focus, so I took any and every paid gig that came my way. There came a point where I had to admit to myself that I was living in fear: fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of being broke, fear of brokenness...Once fear was acknowledged, my actions immediately had to change. I had to break my own cycles and take control of my own life. This involved ending all business and personal relationships that no longer served me. I decided that I would no longer worry myself with the inevitable. Whatever I could control, I would by acknowledgement followed by action. Whatever I couldn't, I would accept and move on with my life. This mentality would carry me throughout the rest of the year.               

Letting Go

At the start of the year, I was involved in a couple of toxic "situationships". I was unofficially involved with a public figure in my community, who happened to also be secretly involved with a woman I'd once considered a friend. We were inconspicuously together for almost two years, until around March. This said "woman friend" revealed to me that he was indeed HER man; accusing me of imposing upon their relationship. Her entitlement was mind-boggling to me, considering not once had either of them mention to me they were together. Considering there were a plethora of opportunities for them to have disclose this information, I was completely blindsided. Having been harshly approached and wrongfully accused of being an antagonist. Had I been aware, I would have never been involved. I did not consent to participate in any of this, in yet I was the one being blamed.  

     This woman was someone I'd considered close, though there were always signs that I needed to keep a close eye on her. She'd strategically watched my every move and abused my trust in what I believed to be a genuine friendship. When in actuality, she wanted what I had. I was never intimidated by her, nor could I find any reason for her to be by me. In yet, she still managed to manipulate her way into my life and spread a negative portrayal of my character to other people in the community. This made me question the integrity of everyone around me. There were personal and professional boundaries crossed and [even still] no accountability has been taken for the damage done. The reality was that she was never really my friend.

   My issues with him (the public figure) were separate, though there was leniency given by the fact that he is notorious for creating these kinds of dynamics between women in the community. He was charming and led me to believe he had genuine feelings for me, but I should've known better. I knew his track record and inability to engage in the kind of relationship that I deeply wanted. Nevertheless, both relationships triggered some of my deepest insecurities and forced me to spend the rest of my year processing...ALONE. I wrote about it, isolated myself, took myself off the social scene, spent days and nights in tears, in and out of depressive episodes, blaming myself, feeling worthless... until I got to a point where I was tired of feeling that way.

   I transferred all of the energy from that toxic situation, into intentional healing with myself. It wasn't just going out on solo dates or taking hot candle-lit herbal baths. It was spending quality time with my thoughts and validating them for myself. It was being more mindful of the company that I kept and practicing discernment. It was finding comfort in solitude and silence. This lesson taught me how to accept what is and let go of what no longer served me. I learned that there may never be closure in a situation, but knowing and understanding that is closure within itself. I learned that in order to truly let go, I had to first forgive myself. I have moves to make, and there is no room for any excess baggage.       

Self-Acceptance

This year, I found myself in the healthiest most fulfilling relationship that I'd ever been in...and it was with myself. I learned how to love myself. I learned how to save space for my own growth and accept that fact that I can only be ME. I'm known to be highly critical of myself, setting unrealistic standards of perfection for myself. I thought I needed other people to validate my truth and capabilities. This was the biggest lie that I could have ever believed. I'm grateful to have had several kindred spirits grace my life this year; shining their light on me, helping me reclaim my own, and challenging me to spend quality time looking inward. I found peace in stillness, ancestral spirituality, and holistic healing. This expanded my creativity and self-confidence. Turning 30 was the switch I needed to signal my brain to no longer give a fuck about the bullshit and get my whole life together to receive these blessing I'd been blocking.       

Accountability

I'm grateful for the many influential peers, mentors, and ancestors that have joined my journey this year. One person in particular, (a very beautiful man whom I adore) taught me the biggest lesson of the year, ACCOUNTABILITY. Before, I would question other people's actions toward me or events that were not in my favor; feeling victimized or like I was treated unfairly. This man though, compassionate as he is, challenged me with a question: "What role have you played in the situation?" As firm of a believer as I am in the idea that we manifest our own destinies, I'd overlooked the idea that this also applies to the actions we put into our lives. Every action encourages a reaction. "So-and-so" may have "done me wrong", but how did I allow this to happen? How had I contributed to the outcome of the situation? This was when I realized my pride had been my crutch throughout my life. I've finally come to the understanding that I will never be able to maintain relationships with people, if I continue to lead with pride. If I'm going to hold everyone around me accountable for their actions, I must also do so for myself. I'm still working on this lesson, though the first step toward progression is acknowledgment, right? Right. 

Reclaiming My Voice

2017 translates to the Universal Year one, in numerology.

"A UNIVERSAL ‘1’ Year represents the start of a fresh new cycle – a new 9 year cycle of creativity, learning and growth.... [this] is a time to plant the seeds of intention for the forthcoming cycle – your deepest heartfelt desires, dreams and visions for every area of your life – relationships, health, finances, career, lifestyle, spirituality etc."    -UniversalLifeTools.com

On January 1, 2017 I started a daily log, documenting thoughts and feelings that I take away from each day. I used my Facebook profile to share my personal journey of self-healing. Every night I share a Facebook status, describing my day in one sentence; worded as a present action (i.e. Day Three Hundred And Sixty-Four Of Year One: Collecting Thoughts, Feelings, & Opportunities). This was my way of checking in with my emotions in those present moments and also being more transparent on my social media platform. It's been quite challenging, though I've managed to spark an inner more vulnerable voice that I hadn't shared with my audience before. This kind of expression inspired me to share more personal stories and views on topics that strongly resonated with me; such as feminine identity, dynamics of black masculinity, sexual trauma, mental health etc. I have since become more expressive and accepting of my position in the world around me.            

Magic

This was the year I learned the power of manifestation. I learned that being intentional with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my craft, is the quintessential formula to achieving my dreams and living my most authentic self. And having transparency with myself, contagiously spreads onto every other relationship in my life. And when I truly want something, intentionally speak on it, intentionally think on it, manifest the hell out it, actually do the work that could potentially lead up to it, I am witness to it coming into fruition. This is that magic I'm referring to. I feel so much lighter without worry or doubt, without the excess baggage in the form of guilt, pride, or even other human beings. There's no more room or space given to any of that. My magic is conditional to the mental and emotional capacity I allow myself. My words are spells, my actions are rituals, my thoughts are my spirit. This is my magic. 

2017 was the year, that changed the game for me. This was the year, that I reintroduced myself to myself. I'm so happy to be this acquainted with myself and am excited to meet the woman I am becoming. Thank you everyone for following my journey...Happy New Year!  

Love Me More

Jumpsuit: Madewell, Earrings: Thrifted, Photography by Sharita A. Sims 

   Thus far in my adult life, I've spent a lot of time searching for love outside of myself. While channeling most of my energy into nurturing and fostering relationships with others, I've subconsciously put myself through toxic situations. I've been in, what I’ve believed to be love, twice and both times I was completely consumed and later crushed by it. I’d put all that I could give into relationship, after relationship; bending over backwards, spreading myself thin, making exceptions, excuses, giving my heart, soul, and body to be left feeling empty inside, 75% of the time. I didn't grow up seeing much displays or exchanges of affection in my home environment, yet I knew...I still know that my family loves me. As natural and comforting as affection comes to me, I thought it was a measurement of love and felt it was the way I needed to be loved by others.

    Throughout my life, I’d been under the impression that love was something you "fall into" or instantly know, feel (a spark if you will), and exchange with another; for your life to then be completely validated and spent finding new ways to share it. I knew love to be something that could be shared, though until recently I had not learned how crucial it was for me to first love myself. Spending most of life so caught up in other people's lives, I seemed to have lost perspective of self. I only saw my significance as measured by the way others would treat me...or rather, the way I allowed them to treat me.

   In the most recent years, I've discovered the value in giving myself the kind of love that I wish to receive. What that looks like for me, varies from day-to-day. I'm still learning. When I think about what makes me happy, I now also think about ways to achieve that happiness. For instance, the color yellow (or more specifically, goldenrod yellow) has been my favorite color since childhood. It brings a smile to my face whenever I see it. I make it a point to keep goldenrod yellow around me at all times, whether it be the screensaver on my phone or buying myself yellow flowers. I find that I'm happiest near water. Another act of self-love is spending as much free time as I allow myself near bodies of water; whether it be sitting near a a lake, sticking my feet in the ocean, swimming in a pool, or submerging myself in warm bathwater. These are things that mean love, to me.

Year 30

Top: American Eagle, Bottom: Target, Shoes: Nike

Photography by: Sharita Sims (IG: @browngyps)

I used to think that by the time I was thirty I would be living in NYC with my husband and two kids, having a thriving career in the fashion industry. To me, 30 meant having my shit together. Well... I turned 30 years young last Friday (June 23, 2017). I'm still living in Louisiana, single, grinding gig to gig, and can't even fathom the idea of having children right now. It's funny how I subconsciously put myself in a box. A box that limited the possibilities of having a full life of my own before having to factor anyone else in. It was like an imaginary time capsule of a picture perfect lifestyle that deep down inside, I knew I wasn't ready for. I hadn't earned that life just yet. I thought it would all just happen for me, effortlessly. Little did I know the self work that needed to happen for those ideals to even be an option.

My twenties were extremely rough. I went through repeated cycles of rejection, unrequited love, tragic loss, toxic behavior, intense relationships, surfing deep emotional waves... I thought I'd reached my lowest point at least 4 times over the course of 10 years. Though, sprinkled through those years were tons of lessons, awesome career opportunities, serendipitous moments, and a lot of smiles and laughter. I have no regrets, though there were many moments where I could've spared myself the turmoil. I've had to recalibrate my personal views of myself and the people I keep around, identifying more specifically what I truly wanted out of life.

I'm learning that the woman I originally thought I'd be is no measure to the woman that I am becoming. The woman I am now needed those breakthroughs, so that the woman I am becoming could stand a chance at living to my fullest potential. I've taken some time to figure out what turning 30 means to me, and what all I'd like to leave behind in my 20's. Three decades of my existence have passed...these are some lessons that I've learned thus far...

• Balance is essential in all matters of love and life

• My talents from my childhood are all being put to good use

• Friends come and go, and that's okay

• Friendship looks like trust, transparency, tough love, and acceptance

• Maintaining relationships with people is challenging

• People will always show you their true intentions, as long as you pay attention

• Everyone has layers

• My intuition is always spot on

• Discernment is the theme of my life

• I'm more of an introvert than I realized

• Depression is a bitch

• Abuse comes in many forms

• My anxiety has held me back in most situations

• It's easier to break cycles once you've recognized them

• I worry a lot ...TOO MUCH.

• My sensitivity is beautiful and I'm learning to embrace it

• Vulnerability has always been a challenge for me but I'm getting better at it

• My mind is overflowing with thoughts that I have yet to share

• I have deep rooted complexes about myself that I'm still figuring out

• I am unknowingly/unintentionally intimidating to a lot of men and women

• I have insecurities about my body, but I'm learning to embrace it

• I will probably always look at least 6 years younger than my true age, but I'm sure I'll appreciate it more 6 years from now

• I do not need anyone else's validation

• My happiness is measured by what I put into my life

• Marriage is sacred and should be taken very seriously

• I'm still single with no children

• Being single isn't the worst thing on the planet

• I have yet to give up on love

• I must always love myself first

• Self care is a priority

• My heart has been pieced back together so many times, that I've lost count

• My heart is much stronger than I knew

• Every rejection I've had, now makes sense to me

• I have the ability to love someone wholeheartedly from a distance

• I have not forgiven all who've hurt me [yet]

• I have no tolerance for bullshit

• I have a better handle on my anger nowadays

• I have severe back pains from carrying other people's weight

• I have clairvoyant abilities that I'm still discovering

• My dreams are still attainable

• I am more careful of what I speak aloud

• Life is precious and can be taken in an instant

• Life is nothing but lessons and transitions

• Death is a form of transcendence

• Being a black woman in America is exhausting

• Black lives matter to me, but not to the vast majority of people in this country

• Peace and Love are the cure to everything

• My voice is my weapon

• My mind is my guide to freedom

• The power of the Universe is REAL

• I have only scratched the surface of my life

Year 30, what's good?